Welcome to my new series! Every so often I will be sharing a post centered around a personal life experience that has influenced my journey and design philosophy. I believe it is our stories that make us who we are, and sharing has the power to help inspire and lift others up. I have always appreciated others’ realness, and I feel in my heart it’s my turn to offer up the same. So, here we go…

Backstory

I was 10 years old when my parents sat us down and told us they were getting divorced. The word felt heavy, the tone sounded serious, the situation seemed unique - but not in a special way. I was so young, I had no understanding of what it meant, or how the change was about to impact my world. The social stigma was strong, and felt rarely talked about.

My little self just wanted everyone to be happy and if that meant embracing this change then so be it. I didn’t view it as my family breaking up, or that one parent was leaving, but more that there was a problem that needed fixing and the best solution was to implement rapid change. I just wanted to be on the other side of it all. Rip the bandaid.

I loathed any attention I received from others upon hearing the news and inquiring about my well-being. I remember my 6th grade teacher pulled me aside one day to ask how I was and I just wanted to crawl into a hole and disappear. I HATED the idea that people might be worried about me. It generated a feeling of helplessness, to which my only response was “I’m totally fine. It’s all for the best, I’m good, I’m happy, can’t you see that I’m happy?!” Silver linings for days…

My social life became my everything - my best friends became my distraction, my companionship, my confidantes, my sisters… as they remain to this day. I cultivated a strong work ethic and filled my free time with small jobs and social outlets, endlessly in search of external validation and the reassurance that I was in fact loveable.

That pleasing attitude became central to my sense of self worth - it earned me lots of likeability, praise and popularity, but I later learned it left me totally disconnected from myself. On the outside it looked like I had it all together, on the inside I was floundering for understanding and a feeling of belonging. But it wasn’t until well into my 20’s that I started to piece together my brokenness and began to understand how impactful those painful years were.

Influence on Design

We had already moved once as a family by the time the announcement came around, but little did I know that would be the beginning of a series of moves that would later deeply influence my appreciation and love of design.

Whenever I embarked on calling a new space home, the association wasn’t immediate. It typically had blank walls, a handful of personal belongings and an air of emptiness that felt emblematic of how lost I felt inside. As a people pleaser, I cultivated a quick adaptability to new environments - something I’m proud of to this day - but it redefined my understanding of what it meant to feel at home.

To me, home was not “where the heart is,” or a bustling chaotic environment in which tons of friends and family gathered regularly. It wasn’t a place laden with memories, but rather an opportunity to create new ones. I learned that home became whatever I made of it. It became a place of serenity, inviting introspection and offering comfort even when I felt alone in it. It was a place to create, enjoy time with friends, and get grounded in myself. Those principles very much remain today.

I discovered that the feeling of home is created by the energy within the space, rather than the specific belongings. Home is how one feels occupying the space. It is fluid, it is personal, it is ever-changing, it is you.

Personal Takeaways

When you’re a child you think your parents are God-like beings, who know it all, can do no wrong, and should be unwaveringly perfect in all ways. Reality: that is incredibly far from the truth. I’ll never forget the first time I had the realization that my parents are HUMANS and their human experience is similar to my own - we’re all just doing the best we can with what we know. That sentiment is both so clarifying for understanding their behavior but also heartbreaking. It’s like finding out Santa Claus isn’t real.

Healing from any experience starts with learning how to feel feelings, which nobody taught me how to do early on (which I’ll share more about in upcoming posts). Learning how to feel is the doorway to living a full life, and I believe the key to finding lasting happiness in spite of the inevitable pain and hardship we all experience is by fully loving and accepting yourself for exactly who you are, as you are. Because in the end, no one can give that to you, no one can take it away, and it will be with you no matter where you decide to call home.

Until next time,

LG

If this post resonated, I would love if you’d share your thoughts with me - blog@lizgaffneydesign.com.